I want to go to South Africa. Me. And it’s a big deal.
I’m asking for your help. If 100 people give $5 (which isn’t much at all!) then I’ll have enough money to pay the deposit of $500 that’s due on Nov. 30. Please click this link if you can donate anything. http://justiceandmercy.org/how-do-i-donate-to-jmi/ The total cost of the whole trip is going to be $3,100…so everything is helpful!
I’ve never been one to be gung-ho on overseas missions. I mean, I supported it but aside from my 1 trip to Guatemala 3 years ago, I was content on not going anywhere myself. I’ve always been an in-country kinda girl. However, the Lord is stirring something in me since I got to RHCC–something about South Africa. And it’s really exciting.
Our church is going to SA Feb 23-Mar 2 and I want to go more than I’ve wanted a lot of things lately. It’s probably deeper than my desire to see my friends and spend a day in NYC–which is a lot, all the time. I’d been thinking about it half-heartedly until I go the information packet and everything was laid out in black and white, with smiling faces of African children staring at me. And then I knew, I had to go.
We’re going through www.livinghopeusa.org to SA. Living Hope is a partner with JMI (our church non-profit) so check it out for more information.
Their mission: To spread the Good News of Jesus Christ in a life changing way and to encourage people to follow Christ. To play a vital role in the prevention, care and treatment of HIV/AIDS. To undertake community development through educational and health related programmes.
As far as the trip, they will cater what we do around our passions. We know we will definitely be working with the HIV/AIDS caregivers from Living Hope in continuing education/training as well as in conducting a spiritual renewal retreat for them. We will also be working in the village of Red Hill to support the work currently being done there, as well as to gather information to assist in the development of a JMI sponsorship program for South Africa.
As I said before, this is a big deal. If you know me, you know my passion about HIV/AIDS and little black children. You would also know that I don’t like to ask for help and my personal hesitation about overseas missions. So, this IS a big deal. I have an opportunity for all of these things to work together.
If you can help, here’s the link again. http://justiceandmercy.org/how-do-i-donate-to-jmi/
Anything would be great–$2, $5, $10. Whatever you can do. And, I thank you so much if you can help. Contact me with any questions. Please pray for me as things come together.
I don’t know who I am here. I think this whole identity crisis has recently come to the surface and explained all the things I’ve been feeling for the last few months. By recently, I mean I recognized this morning in the shower. Who am I here?
I feel like my life has been defined by things–especially college. I was the leader, the theater kid, the singer, the planner, the organizer, the friendly one, the sarcastic one, the writer. My friends even defined me.
Here, I am the intern. That’s all. All those other roles are gone or taken. Here, I’m not the leader. We all are. Jessica is the theater kid, the singer, the sarcastic one. Meredith is the friendly one, the singer too. Bridget is the planner, the organizer, and most importantly–the writer. My friends aren’t here to define me, to keep me in check, to remind me of who I am. Here, I’ve got no descriptive role, no identity in that. Even my label of intern is lacking.
The hardest thing, the hardest one to deal with, is the writer. People don’t even know I do that, I guess. I’m not sure. Bridget makes all this money from freelance writing and i don’t. B/c I’m a fiction writer, not a journalist. I can do it but it’s not my passion. Honestly, I haven’t written fiction since I got here. It’s discouraging doing something for nothing and getting no feedback, no praise, no encouragement. So, I’m don’t even do it.
Maybe the problem is that I don’t have a solid identity in Christ. I never have. So when all those things that I knew were taken away, I was left feeling lost and confused and frustrated with what I had left. Why? B/c I don’t know that part of me. At all.
I’ve been really thirsty lately and nothing seems to quench it. Seriously. Not juice or soda or tea or even water. It’s weird that it won’t go away.
I had a talk with my roommates tonight about some of the things that have been going on since I’ve been here. About the negative twitters/facebook stats, about how I’ll just leave sometimes. They asked me what was going on and we talked about it. I was vague–mostly b/c I thought it was all over. I had a good weekend in Anderson and the Lord opened my eyes to a lot of things. I was excited to come back here, ready to do the things that I felt the Lord moving me toward doing.
Then in the last 2 days, I’ve felt like everything that’s said to me or about me or about something I’m doing is a direct attack on me, against me. There was this huge amount of warfare and Satan was using all the things he knew would get to me. They are things that don’t usually bother me, things I know aren’t true but he was using the other interns to get at me, thus causing tension and frustration. I’m there, in the middle of that, being taunted by Satan.
Randomly, after our conversation, I found this verse on my facebook. (It was in the daily scripture application that hides in my boxes tab.) Psalm 143.10 “Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!”
That’s something that I prayed this weekend, more or less. I was curious why there were exclamation points at the end of the sentences so I looked up the whole psalm. All I can say is wow. It sounded like something I would’ve written if I had the words. But, here they are. Waiting for me to read.
I think it may be the reason I have an unquenchable thirst.
After the last journal entry, we went to worship. I wrote that one in college small group during the first service. There was a woman who spoke during the sermon. I don’t remember much of what she said except this: “I prayed for God to renew me.”
I wrote on my bulletin: Renew me, Lord. Make me clean and bring me joy. Remind me that I’m yours.
Then the Lord spoke to my heart. He said “I am. You asked me to do all these things in you. You prayed for me to heal you, to make you new, to make you clean, to use you. You told me that you knew it would be hard but you could handle. I’m doing exactly what you asked of me.”
And then I remembered. He reminded me of my conversation with him in my car on the day that I moved here. I did ask for this. The next thing I say is “I didn’t mean. I don’t want it anymore.” But I do. I did. And it’s happening.
Later in the day, I spoke with Ashley. She was moving to LA. It was hard. Sometimes I just long for freedom. Not freedom found in Christ (Although what else do we need?) or even sin really, but the freedom to go where I wanted to, when I wanted to and do what I wanted to. So, I called Meagan Pack and left her a message with those exact words on it. Seconds later, she calls me back in tears.
We talk about what she’s dealing with and I read her the journal entries I posted. I told her that lately I feel like I’m buried in three feet of snow and I’m digging my way out but it’s still falling, and it’s covering me. I can’t escape it. She agreed, said it was her too. And we talked. I gave her advice (which was really advice to myself from the Lord) and we talked about AU, about life after & why it was so hard. She prayed for me. And when we hung up, I smiled. Really smiled.
After that conversation, literally only 5 minutes, I had a call from Valine. I was about to walk into the guys’ apartment when she called. That was such an encouragement. I can’t even explain it. She gave me scripture to read, prayed for me too. God was so good in his timing.
When I went inside the guys’ apartment, there were people! So, I got to meet some new women. Since that day, I’ve been given the chance to connect with 2 college students and a new friend named Kelsi that a girl from my home church in WV connected me with. She just graduated from the other Anderson University and moved here. I also joined a Community Group through RHCC. (one of the leaders is from Vienna, WV! Like me–go figure.)
I’ve also talked with Bridgett (one of my roommates) and told her how I needed someone older to talk with about life. Then the Lord provided two. One woman named Annie who I only know through her blog and Elizabeth, who was in NYC when I was and moved back here a few months before me. It’s amazing how he does things when we least expect them but need them most.
I tell you all of that to show you how the Lord is working. B/c he is.
I know it’s still going to be hard. It’s been 2 days and I’ve already begun to experience some of that. I don’t know what else is going to happen, but I know (cliche or no) that God has me here for a reason. I don’t know what that is but I’m sure it’s going to be quite the journey. Every day is going to be different. But I just keep trying to be positive (which is hard for me!) and thinking about what Chad told me: In two months, I’ll look back on all of this and I’ll see how good it was.
I’ve been in Franklin, TN for almost one month now. (That anniversary occurs on the 6th.) And the time I’ve spent here has been extremely challenging already but not in the ways I expected it to be. It’s a great story that I feel like I need to share. It will probably take a few posts to tell it all, or else it would be oh-so-long. A lot of this is direct from my journal and I’m pulling out some major things. So, now my story rewinds…
August 18
We met with Chad for the first time today. It was fun. I think I’m going to learn a lot/have a lot of fun with him.
Tonight, I went and met up with Casey Bynum. I can’t even express how good that was! I’ve spent the last 10 days crying until I fall asleep and finally, someone who understood! Like really. Not that no one else does, they do but it’s different if you weren’t in Anderson, didn’t experience life there, community there. It’s different.
She told me that she still hadn’t found community like that; she said we never would because there was just nothing else like it. She told me how hard it was for her when she came and she was always around if I needed her. We decided to meet up every couple of weeks and just talk about life. That’s gonna be great. So beyond great.
August 24
Currently, I’m really struggling. I’m not sure what I’m doing here. Why did the Lord put me here? I feel like I’m wasting time while everyone else is pouring into people. I don’t have other people around me and I long for it. I feel like I’m just here, like I’m stagnant. I hate that–I’d rather leave. I need a purpose. I want one. Its discouraging not knowing what or why or when or how. Or at least one of those.
August 29
I’m breaking.
I feel the ground below me shaking.
I’m weak, not strong. I can’t go on.
It’s not courage, it’s fear.
Fear that brought me here.
You just put me here and left me alone to cry. So I cry.
I’m falling. Can’t you hear me calling?
I thought you said you’d never leave me, that you would always be near me.
Well, where are you? Where?
Don’t you hear me in my distress?
I just wanna lay against your chest and rest,
Hear you tell me I am blessed.
And then you’d hug me, remind me how much you love me.
But there’s nothing. There’s just silence.
At least on your end.
Me? I’m yelling, SCREAMING.
Can’t you hear me shouting?
I can’t tell because it’s quiet—what’s that all about?
Usually you tell me what do and when to do it,
Where are you when I need you to see me through it?
Some father, you just left me.
Left me here with no guidance, no hope,
Just anger, just fear—and all these salty tears.
What do I do now? I wanna move but I don’t know how.
I don’t see your plan.
I can’t help but wonder if I’m even still your child
Because all the while I’m sitting here, telling you all my fears
And you—your still quiet.
I’m tired. I don’t want to try, don’t want to be stuck.
It sucks.
I don’t have anything left to say, nothing to shout, to cry
Nothing to do, nowhere to move.
I’ll be quiet. Wait for you to speak
In all this silence.
I was at the guys’ apt with everyone and I just left. I yelled and cried–a lot. I had a shouting match with God out loud, inside my head, on the pages of my journal. I went to bed still with him still silent.
August 30
I’m blown away by the passion of the people around me. It’s an encouragement. It’s challenging. It makes me wonder how to tell them how I’ve been feeling the last few weeks. Where has my passion gone? My joy? I don’t want to question things anymore. I just want God to move me, draw me nearer.
I’ve been in Franklin, TN for almost one month now. (That anniversary occurs on the 6th.) And the time I’ve spent here has been extremely challenging already but not in the ways I expected it to be. It’s a great story that I feel like I need to share. It will probably take a few posts to tell it all, or else it would be oh-so-long. A lot of this is direct from my journal and I’m pulling out some major things.
I called these next few entries Moving & Stretching because that’s what they are about. Me moving. The Lord stretching me. Chad, the Worship Pastor at RHCC, told me during a conversation: “It’s okay if it’s hard. It’s supposed to be. God is stretching you and it hurts. It’s supposed to hurt. When people ask you how you are, you can say that its hard and it sucks. But when you look back on all of this, you’ll see how good it was.”
So, now my story rewinds…
August 5th
I spent the day driving from Anderson. I left at about 4pm and fought my way through Atlanta traffic for the first time in my life. It was a hot day, really hot. I felt like I was going to melt and stick to the seat in my car. The drive was pretty un-eventful, no near-death experiences or getting lost. I did my usual driving thing–jam to Musicals and music from the 90’s so I could sing really loud and stay amused. Just as HSM 3 started, I drove by the most beautiful place. It’s called Nickajack Lake (near Chattanooga) and it’s a point where you just start up a mountain and there’s a lake…it’s breathtaking. I got there just as the sun was setting and I turned off my music. Me.
I turned it off and just sat there for a few minutes and stared as I drove by. I starting telling God how beautiful it was because I thought he should know that I was grateful. Then, I started talking to him out loud. Praying. Crying.
I asked him to make me beautiful like that view. To make me new. To heal my heart because I couldn’t move to new places with all these old unhealed wounds.
I asked him to change me into someone he could fully use, to someone who was passionate for him, for his people. To make me in love with him and make that part of me so electric that people had to ask.
I asked him to keep New York in the distance while I was and not to desire it but to desire to be here, to love his people with the same love he had for them, the same love I had for people in NYC. I asked him to challenge me, to grow me, to make me depend on him alone. I said that I knew it would be hard but I didn’t care; I could handle it because I needed this.
I prayed those things before. I asked him flippantly for those things but I never meant them. Never. Until today.
August 14
Today was “officially” the first day of our internship. It was really great. There was so much that happened and the Lord is good. I’m so excited about the interns b/c they are so solid & genuine. I’m going to learn a lot walking beside them for a year. The Lord had a plan putting us all together like he has.
We had a Worship Arts meeting so Zach & I went since Chad asked us. There were a lot of people. I’m pumped about the things he talked about doing for some upcoming events–mostly outreach events through the arts. I just think it’s going to be amazing.
August 16
It was the first Sunday! 7 am is early but I’m thrilled about what’s going on there. We’re getting ready for the Warehouse and that’s gonna be awesome. We had lunch with the staff and they are such amazing, people with large, genuine hearts.
It’s been a (randomly) difficult afternoon. I feel like I’m always alone. I mean, I am always alone. I don’t like it. I respect that everyone else has been here so long, that they have friends but I don’t. I miss my friends like crazy. I miss Anderson. I want to be starting classes with all of them. (Not really but I do miss it.) I want it. I keep wondering what and if I’ll get it. How and when will I find community without if being in a pre-existing place? I’ve never had to do that. It was already at Anderson when I got there; i just joined it.
I’m sitting outside as I write this. A plane just flew over me. I can hear. I want to be on it going somewhere I love. The other part of me wants that place to be here. But it just isn’t yet.
Roller coaster. More is coming soon until it’s all caught up with what I’m learning.
Things are hard here. I didn’t realize how hard until I stopped a few nights and thought and talked about it with a friend. At AU things were easy–even when they weren’t–and i didn’t realize it. I was surrounded by people who were constantly pouring into me, I was pouring out; we were learning, growing in more ways than I knew. Here, there is none of that.
No one here is pouring into me, I’m not pouring out; there’s no one challenging me, no pushing. When I’m at work I’m there alone–there aren’t even coworkers. It’s been really hard not leading in any way at all. (There aren’t many hugs either!) It’s a difficult change. I’m learning just how much I need that to thrive, to make it through each day, to fully live. I’m not sure how to “get” it–or if it’s mine to “get”. I just know that I need to live in the Gospel, need to share it, need to hear it, need to be completely immersed in loving people, in relationships, in ministry.
Through the last week I’ve been thinking about a conversation I had with Tricia in the car on the way home from Radius. It was about freedom, about the lack of accountability for the last semester, about how hard it was for me. She told me that maybe the Lord wanted me to have a relationship not dependent on another person, that I needed to just depend on him and live with him and no one else. “They shouldn’t be the ones pushing you toward God, she said, it should be you on your own running toward him.” (That’s all paraphrased I’m sure.) I guess that’s what this summer is about.
I go to a meeting with the staff at the church on Thursday. Pastor Brian invited me and I go. We’re reading a book called Stand Against the Wind by Erwin Raphael McManus. I wasn’t really sure why he invited me. There was talk about helping out with the college ministry but I’m not sure how that’s going to pan out now. There was also some words spoken about helping out with the services. Either way, there’s really nothing happening & i wasn’t sure why I was there. But this book is speaking to me & after the time we had there last week, I walked out fully content. That time just pierced my soul & filled the spots that were empty. There’s just something about talking about the Word of God with others that can’t be filled any other way.
Anyway, it’s challenging. And it aligns with the things I was learning at the end of the semester–whether those things were said through harsh truths or frustration or love–they were things that affected me & my relationships negatively and positively. I know that I want to be better, stronger and there to be no question of my character from myself or other people. This book is about exactly that. I’m really excited to part of this time with them, even if that’s the intake of ministry for a summer.
I don’t mean for this to be all negative. (I was just being honest) There are good things happening. It’s great to see my mom and be with my sister. It could be the last time ever! I missed them. (Now, I miss all of you–ironic, eh?) I’m doing a lot of reading, I get good money @ work (hey, I have a job–praise!), I go to the gym. See? Good. 
I ask that you pray for me as the Lord reveals his purpose for having me here. Pray for strength because it’s hard. I feel like I’m a ghost–someone stuck in the middle of old and new. It’s really hard. Really. Pray for whatever you feel you need to. Pray for humility because I’m learning that (unlike this post) ministry and purpose for being here is not all about me. That’s hard to admit too.
Love, Dani
As always, the MTV Movie Awards provided a mixture of surprises, disappointments, laughter and of course, celebrities. Andy Samberg did a good job as host this year, though I’d say he didn’t have enough screen time. This is just a top 10 list of things that I will remember about the 2009 MTV Movie Awards.
1. Bruno/Eminem. Put that clip on failblog. Really? I think the question (if there’s only 1) on everyone’s mind is: was that staged? I think that it was an accident. Em’s not one who’d play along with that & that reaction was WAY too good to be pretend. I think the shock of what happened still makes me pause. I didn’t breathe until Zac got up there. I thought for sure he’d punch him out or something. Priceless.
2. “New Moon” peek. That trailer looked amazing. It’s gonna blow “Twilight” out of the water. For real. I’m a Twilight-er but I thought Hardewick could’ve done better on the first one. This one, however, already looks amazing. I can’t wait!
3. The Drop & Pop. Kristen Stewart won an award for Best Female Performance (though she wasn’t my top pick for it). She won, was awkwardly rambling on (as she’s prone to do), and she…DROPS the popcorn award! I’m pretty sure it bounced back up. Amazing. Pop: that’s Rob Pattinson. I say that because he popped off the screen. Gorgeous, even awkward & uncomfortable.
4. Zachary Quinto. Is it just me or does the camera love him? For at least the first 30 minutes of the show the camera was on him and his smiling face. Idk about everyone else, but I could look at that man forever. Thanks MTV for making it easier.
5. Ben Stiller. Well, I’m glad he got the award. He deserves some recognition–and who better to do it than MTV? However, I will say that the intro ruined it. It was awkward and fake and the actors were doing a poor job acting. (Actually, they struggled w/intros a lot this year.) And then Sutherland staying there with him like that…I wasn’t sure if Stiller was excited or not. He looked annoyed, but then, who am I to say? Congrats, Ben.
6. HBP clip. It looks promising. I think that this HP has the potential to be the best one yet. Everything about this movie screams awesome. I think the clip reminded everyone why HP is sticking around…and gives us all something else to cling to while the days tick away slowly toward the release!
7. Jim Carrey? I thought, at the beginning, that he was genuinely surprised. But then, of course he wasn’t. While the “speech” was hilarious and kept me laughing, I thought Anna Farris (or hey, even James Franco) was robbed. Either of them deserved to win that comedy award. “Yes Man” was not a good movie, unless you never saw “Liar Liar.”
8. Samberg: Song Medley & Film Parodies. The best video was def the opening parody. I also really liked the one he did w/Ferrel about the bombs. They were entertaining. And how about that song? That was the most ridiculous medley ever. I’ll never forget it.(I’ll also never forget Miley Cyrus yelling “I’m on a boat.” That was not her best, though I am glad she won.) Samberg was a good host.
9. Kings of Leon. The performers this year were not that amazing. However, I am a fan of KoL. I heard them a while back when my friend James introduced me. It was good to see a lesser known play on MTV. Ironic, b/c they used to be the channel that got those underground bands famous.
10. Twilight. Like it or not, this is a fan show. It’s a popularity contest. The outrageous number of Twilight wins reveals that the viewers on MTV have changed a ton. I think that MTV should’ve considered it a little more. I definitely didn’t think that it deserved the Best Movie award. I mean, “The Dark Knight”– where was that win? (I was also sad that they didn’t do something for Heath Ledger. He won the award for Best Villian and they mentioned in a voice-over. That was disappointing.) Anyway, it was definitely the Twilight Awards. If you don’t believe me, go back and look at my list…
All in all, it was a good show. I was entertained. Until next year, MTV…..
Well, things are interesting. I’m currently home in Parkersburg, WV. I didn’t plan for it but it’s what happened. Upon leaving, I could decide if I wanted to be at home or if I wanted to stay at home for the summer. So, I figured that I would apply for jobs in Anderson and in WV and see where I got something. Time was ticking and nothing was happening then on Monday before I was supposed to leave on Wednesday. I went to this place called Philly Dawgs: Chicago Style. (It’s a hotdog place). I applied, got a call an hour later, had an interview 3 hours later, another 30 mins later and started working the next morning. Yup, just. like. that. Now, I’m here til August. Working at a hotdog place. It’s not bad. They are nice people. easy-enough job, good pay, great hours and they are flexible. I really can’t complain. thought i was but then i could figure out what was the best option. (go figure…me not being able to make a decision b/c i “dwell on it too much” as langdale says. lol) e So, then I was leaving to come back here and I decided that i would look for jobs in anderson and here & wherever i got one is where i’d go, let God put me wherever. this was the winner.
I’m content now. Then, I wasn’t but now I know it’s right. This was weird b/c I didn’t feel like i fit in Anderson anymore, though i wanted to be there so badly for the summer. (that feeling started about the time i found out I had the internship at RHCC in Nashville.) and I didn’t feel like I fit here either. It was (is?) like life is frozen but im still trying to move, if that makes sense. Then i got the job here and my home pastor and i talked abuot some issues and passions and my desire to lead in some way b/c i missed it. Now im helping out w/the college ministry and the worship services at my home church. Our youth pastor is leaving and everything is in transition until the fall. Hopefully i can be used to evoke some major changes within the church here. I never expected that, especially here. It’s not somewhere I ever saw myself serving. But that’s okay because God’s plan is bigger and my purpose in remaing here is being revealled.
My friend Christina wrote: It’s an odd transition for me. I don’t quite belong here and I’m learning that very quickly as I keep getting lost. God reminded me of something however. It really doesn’t matter where you are, and when your comfort zone is pulled out from under you, that is when He is truly strong. For many of my friends going away to different camps this summer, different countries, or maybe just home to work, remember that in our weakness God is the most strong. I like comfort. But God’s glory has to be bigger than that for us.
I’m learning the same thing. I read this as I get ready for work (or rather the ESV study bible online reads it to me): Eph 2:19- 3:21.
Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God’s people and members of God’s household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
For this reason I, Paul, the prisoner of Christ Jesus for the sake of you Gentiles—Surely you have heard about the administration of God’s grace that was given to me for you, that is, the mystery made known to me by revelation, as I have already written briefly. In reading this, then, you will be able to understand my insight into the mystery of Christ, which was not made known to men in other generations as it has now been revealed by the Spirit to God’s holy apostles and prophets. This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus.
I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God’s grace given me through the working of his power. Although I am less than the least of all God’s people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 1so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Grace & Peace.
Check this out.
The BCM Missions Musical made it to the Baptist Courier. Yeh, big times now!
