Here. Is. Hard.
Things are hard here. I didn’t realize how hard until I stopped a few nights and thought and talked about it with a friend. At AU things were easy–even when they weren’t–and i didn’t realize it. I was surrounded by people who were constantly pouring into me, I was pouring out; we were learning, growing in more ways than I knew. Here, there is none of that.
No one here is pouring into me, I’m not pouring out; there’s no one challenging me, no pushing. When I’m at work I’m there alone–there aren’t even coworkers. It’s been really hard not leading in any way at all. (There aren’t many hugs either!) It’s a difficult change. I’m learning just how much I need that to thrive, to make it through each day, to fully live. I’m not sure how to “get” it–or if it’s mine to “get”. I just know that I need to live in the Gospel, need to share it, need to hear it, need to be completely immersed in loving people, in relationships, in ministry.
Through the last week I’ve been thinking about a conversation I had with Tricia in the car on the way home from Radius. It was about freedom, about the lack of accountability for the last semester, about how hard it was for me. She told me that maybe the Lord wanted me to have a relationship not dependent on another person, that I needed to just depend on him and live with him and no one else. “They shouldn’t be the ones pushing you toward God, she said, it should be you on your own running toward him.” (That’s all paraphrased I’m sure.) I guess that’s what this summer is about.
I go to a meeting with the staff at the church on Thursday. Pastor Brian invited me and I go. We’re reading a book called Stand Against the Wind by Erwin Raphael McManus. I wasn’t really sure why he invited me. There was talk about helping out with the college ministry but I’m not sure how that’s going to pan out now. There was also some words spoken about helping out with the services. Either way, there’s really nothing happening & i wasn’t sure why I was there. But this book is speaking to me & after the time we had there last week, I walked out fully content. That time just pierced my soul & filled the spots that were empty. There’s just something about talking about the Word of God with others that can’t be filled any other way.
Anyway, it’s challenging. And it aligns with the things I was learning at the end of the semester–whether those things were said through harsh truths or frustration or love–they were things that affected me & my relationships negatively and positively. I know that I want to be better, stronger and there to be no question of my character from myself or other people. This book is about exactly that. I’m really excited to part of this time with them, even if that’s the intake of ministry for a summer.
I don’t mean for this to be all negative. (I was just being honest) There are good things happening. It’s great to see my mom and be with my sister. It could be the last time ever! I missed them. (Now, I miss all of you–ironic, eh?) I’m doing a lot of reading, I get good money @ work (hey, I have a job–praise!), I go to the gym. See? Good. 
I ask that you pray for me as the Lord reveals his purpose for having me here. Pray for strength because it’s hard. I feel like I’m a ghost–someone stuck in the middle of old and new. It’s really hard. Really. Pray for whatever you feel you need to. Pray for humility because I’m learning that (unlike this post) ministry and purpose for being here is not all about me. That’s hard to admit too.
Love, Dani
My Top 10 MTV Movie Award Moments
As always, the MTV Movie Awards provided a mixture of surprises, disappointments, laughter and of course, celebrities. Andy Samberg did a good job as host this year, though I’d say he didn’t have enough screen time. This is just a top 10 list of things that I will remember about the 2009 MTV Movie Awards.
1. Bruno/Eminem. Put that clip on failblog. Really? I think the question (if there’s only 1) on everyone’s mind is: was that staged? I think that it was an accident. Em’s not one who’d play along with that & that reaction was WAY too good to be pretend. I think the shock of what happened still makes me pause. I didn’t breathe until Zac got up there. I thought for sure he’d punch him out or something. Priceless.
2. “New Moon” peek. That trailer looked amazing. It’s gonna blow “Twilight” out of the water. For real. I’m a Twilight-er but I thought Hardewick could’ve done better on the first one. This one, however, already looks amazing. I can’t wait!
3. The Drop & Pop. Kristen Stewart won an award for Best Female Performance (though she wasn’t my top pick for it). She won, was awkwardly rambling on (as she’s prone to do), and she…DROPS the popcorn award! I’m pretty sure it bounced back up. Amazing. Pop: that’s Rob Pattinson. I say that because he popped off the screen. Gorgeous, even awkward & uncomfortable.
4. Zachary Quinto. Is it just me or does the camera love him? For at least the first 30 minutes of the show the camera was on him and his smiling face. Idk about everyone else, but I could look at that man forever. Thanks MTV for making it easier.
5. Ben Stiller. Well, I’m glad he got the award. He deserves some recognition–and who better to do it than MTV? However, I will say that the intro ruined it. It was awkward and fake and the actors were doing a poor job acting. (Actually, they struggled w/intros a lot this year.) And then Sutherland staying there with him like that…I wasn’t sure if Stiller was excited or not. He looked annoyed, but then, who am I to say? Congrats, Ben.
6. HBP clip. It looks promising. I think that this HP has the potential to be the best one yet. Everything about this movie screams awesome. I think the clip reminded everyone why HP is sticking around…and gives us all something else to cling to while the days tick away slowly toward the release!
7. Jim Carrey? I thought, at the beginning, that he was genuinely surprised. But then, of course he wasn’t. While the “speech” was hilarious and kept me laughing, I thought Anna Farris (or hey, even James Franco) was robbed. Either of them deserved to win that comedy award. “Yes Man” was not a good movie, unless you never saw “Liar Liar.”
8. Samberg: Song Medley & Film Parodies. The best video was def the opening parody. I also really liked the one he did w/Ferrel about the bombs. They were entertaining. And how about that song? That was the most ridiculous medley ever. I’ll never forget it.(I’ll also never forget Miley Cyrus yelling “I’m on a boat.” That was not her best, though I am glad she won.) Samberg was a good host.
9. Kings of Leon. The performers this year were not that amazing. However, I am a fan of KoL. I heard them a while back when my friend James introduced me. It was good to see a lesser known play on MTV. Ironic, b/c they used to be the channel that got those underground bands famous.
10. Twilight. Like it or not, this is a fan show. It’s a popularity contest. The outrageous number of Twilight wins reveals that the viewers on MTV have changed a ton. I think that MTV should’ve considered it a little more. I definitely didn’t think that it deserved the Best Movie award. I mean, “The Dark Knight”– where was that win? (I was also sad that they didn’t do something for Heath Ledger. He won the award for Best Villian and they mentioned in a voice-over. That was disappointing.) Anyway, it was definitely the Twilight Awards. If you don’t believe me, go back and look at my list…
All in all, it was a good show. I was entertained. Until next year, MTV…..
Chicago Style.
Well, things are interesting. I’m currently home in Parkersburg, WV. I didn’t plan for it but it’s what happened. Upon leaving, I could decide if I wanted to be at home or if I wanted to stay at home for the summer. So, I figured that I would apply for jobs in Anderson and in WV and see where I got something. Time was ticking and nothing was happening then on Monday before I was supposed to leave on Wednesday. I went to this place called Philly Dawgs: Chicago Style. (It’s a hotdog place). I applied, got a call an hour later, had an interview 3 hours later, another 30 mins later and started working the next morning. Yup, just. like. that. Now, I’m here til August. Working at a hotdog place. It’s not bad. They are nice people. easy-enough job, good pay, great hours and they are flexible. I really can’t complain. thought i was but then i could figure out what was the best option. (go figure…me not being able to make a decision b/c i “dwell on it too much” as langdale says. lol) e So, then I was leaving to come back here and I decided that i would look for jobs in anderson and here & wherever i got one is where i’d go, let God put me wherever. this was the winner.
I’m content now. Then, I wasn’t but now I know it’s right. This was weird b/c I didn’t feel like i fit in Anderson anymore, though i wanted to be there so badly for the summer. (that feeling started about the time i found out I had the internship at RHCC in Nashville.) and I didn’t feel like I fit here either. It was (is?) like life is frozen but im still trying to move, if that makes sense. Then i got the job here and my home pastor and i talked abuot some issues and passions and my desire to lead in some way b/c i missed it. Now im helping out w/the college ministry and the worship services at my home church. Our youth pastor is leaving and everything is in transition until the fall. Hopefully i can be used to evoke some major changes within the church here. I never expected that, especially here. It’s not somewhere I ever saw myself serving. But that’s okay because God’s plan is bigger and my purpose in remaing here is being revealled.
My friend Christina wrote: It’s an odd transition for me. I don’t quite belong here and I’m learning that very quickly as I keep getting lost. God reminded me of something however. It really doesn’t matter where you are, and when your comfort zone is pulled out from under you, that is when He is truly strong. For many of my friends going away to different camps this summer, different countries, or maybe just home to work, remember that in our weakness God is the most strong. I like comfort. But God’s glory has to be bigger than that for us.
I’m learning the same thing. I read this as I get ready for work (or rather the ESV study bible online reads it to me): Eph 2:19- 3:21.
Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God’s people and members of God’s household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
For this reason I, Paul, the prisoner of Christ Jesus for the sake of you Gentiles—Surely you have heard about the administration of God’s grace that was given to me for you, that is, the mystery made known to me by revelation, as I have already written briefly. In reading this, then, you will be able to understand my insight into the mystery of Christ, which was not made known to men in other generations as it has now been revealed by the Spirit to God’s holy apostles and prophets. This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus.
I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God’s grace given me through the working of his power. Although I am less than the least of all God’s people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 1so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Grace & Peace.
The Write-Up
Check this out.
The BCM Missions Musical made it to the Baptist Courier. Yeh, big times now!
Saturday
Tonight is my last Saturday night in college. That’s weird to me. I mean, I’m ready (I think) but there’s this twinge of loneliness, anxiety, fear, joy and excitement all rolled into one really large, messed up twist. It’s an awkward place to be. I want to be here, but then I don’t.
There’s a large group of people getting together tonight to watch a movie in Merritt. I want to go (not to watch The Lion King) and be there with them and hang out, for what could be, the last time. At the same time, I want to stay right here. I want to sit in my room, pack, watch a movie and go to sleep. There’s this battle waging inside of me (just like the emotional one) about how I want to spend the next 2 hours. I honestly don’t know which one to give into it.
This time next Saturday I will be a college graduate.
I’m sure that there will still be large knotted internal arguments (b/c it IS me) but there’s this part of me that hopes, however foolishly, I’ll be able to make the decision easier–whatever that decision is…Maybe it won’t happen. I don’t know, but it is exciting.
To Saturday. Cheers.
Tomorrow.
The last day of classes is tomorrow and that blows my mind. I had my last fiction class today—which also completely floors me. I can’t believe that it’s almost over. It’s a good thing but it’s weird. Everyone keeps asking me “are you ready to graduate?” I keep saying yes–and I am–but this part of me keeps screaming NO. I ignore it. I cover it over with my hand and the screams are muffled. Muffled, but still very real.
It’s a weird feeling–seeing everything dissolve away but still exist without you. We get–I get–so focused on how important I think I am to something, how I help it move along, how it needs me in order to get done but that’s not really true. It doesn’t need me, I need it.
BCM didn’t me; AU didn’t need me; my friends don’t need me–I need them. Those things are still going to run, and hopefully flourish, without me. They did not need me. I needed all of them to become the person that I am. And although I’m still trying to figure out what exactly that looks like, I know that it’s a lot clearer than ever before.
I keep thinking about life come May 3. Where I am going to be? What am I going to do? Where am I going to live? I don’t know any of these answers. I have no idea what God has in store for me or if I’ll ever see majority of my friends again. I don’t know if people who are currently so instrumental in my life will continue to be there once we graduate. I hope that they will but I have no control over where life takes us–which is a scary thing for me to admit because i like to be in control. I can only hope and trust that the Lord has all of it figured out.
I feel like I’ve changed for the better since I was a freshman–I hope so at least. There have been a lot of emotional struggles, a lot of ups and downs (especially this year). I’ve seen myself become this person that I don’t like and go through transformations to become this person that I do like. I hope that I currently stand on the latter end of that statement. I think if I am to leave this place unchanged, then I wasted the last 4 years. I missed the lessons I needed to learn–in and out of the classroom.
Tomorrow is the end. Sure, there’s exams and actual graduation but it’s over. It’s an exciting milestone: the last day of my undergrad. Wow. I don’t know what’s going to happen in a week or a month or a year…but I know tomorrow. And it’s going to be good. That gives me hope for the week, the month, the year.
its my bday
yup. 22.
kat & jamie bought me a new bible. jamie & i went to see hannah montana. (which was good). I bought myself the soundtrack, baked my own cake so everyone else could eat it (b/c i didn’t want any.)
God is Good!!
The Lord is so good. He hears our prayers when we intercede for others and he answers them!! This week has been crazy, lots of spiritual warfare and doubt going on among two of my guy friends. But the Lord has provided answers to their questions and destroyed their doubt. It blows me away the way he moves. 
These are not my words, but i want to share them. If you read them, I pray that they would penetrate your heart:
“I’d become dulled to the Spirit in my life. It was all just normal to me. I’d become immune to the works of the Spirit, because it had taken over who I was. I looked for all these external things, when the only sign I needed was the work that has been going on within me for twelve years. And even through this process, the Spirit never left me. I questioned everything, but the Lord continued to hold on to me through it all.
I just can’t believe that I’d gotten used to this life. This freedom isn’t normal, and I’m an idiot for thinking that it was. I needed to be reminded of what the Lord had done. Our God made Himself known in a way that I can’t explain.”
texting & time limits
we argued for 50 minutes in class today about texting during a worship service and how long a chapel service should go.
50 minutes.
what a way to start the day. It was absurd and is a completely ridiculous for hostility among believers—more, among FRIENDS. Let’s move on now.
i hate legalism.
This is a rant about part 1 of my bad day. It just blew me away…
So, i guess the Furman job is offically out. I didn’t turn it down but NAMB turned me down b/c i drank alcohol before. Actually, they turned me down because i wasn’t willing to lie on my application and say i had the conviction the alcohol was wrong. If i had been willing to do that, i would be ok. but i just couldn’t lie. not to get a job and not to the students that i would be working with. I thought about it. i did. but i just cant.
It really disappoints me that they would not even listen to anything i had to say. It makes me want to cry because they didn’t care that my passion for those students lies where it does. Didn’t care. They just wanted someone to take a stand for something that they didn’t agree with so the Co-op SBC program wouldn’t feel like they were wasting their money on someone who doesn’t agree with them.
I said something in the 20 minutes about Jesus drinking with prostitutes–which she ignored (true to legalistic form). I tried to explain the differences in being drunk and drinking but she said they had the same basis. She argued something about people not knowing their limits and getting drunk from a “Fun” drink. I told her that was wrong because when most people get drunk, they do so with purpose. That went around in circles for a bit and ended nowhere. I asked her if she’d like me to lie and say I agreed with her. She said no, lying was wrong.
I think that someone having a passion to serve should be a qualifier in service. but no, apparently there IS a checklist. I missed that memo somehow. She told me that i just didn’t understand SBC views and convictions but “i understand that those can be confusing for people who aren’t southern baptist.” I told her that i understood; i’d been at a sb school for 4 years and a member of an sb church for 3 so i understood. THen she said they needed someone who shared in all the sbc convictions and i obviously, wasn’t that person.
The thing that gets me the most?
At the end of conversation she discounts everything that i said by telling me she’d give me another day on my application and if i felt like i could join them in their conviction, i could sign it. I could change my mind and defend these completely unjustfied and unscriptural stances against alcohol. If not, on Thursday they are denying my application. Me signing that paper meant looking at every student i encountered and lying to them. even worse, judging them by saying it was wrong–when it’s not. That makes me want to vomit.
Since when did being a Christian and serving the Lord come with these underlying principles? Apparently, for as long as the SBC has been around but really! God calls us to go and to serve. If my having consumed alcohol before overshadows my passion, dedication, surrender, commitment and desire to serve the Lord then there is something missing.
I think, I think that Jesus called out the Pharisees for their legalistic views. Didn’t he? *thinks* Yes. Yes, he did–multiple times. Perhaps, we overlook that verse as well. Maybe it’s in the section with Jesus drinking with Prostitutes…
