Here. Is. Hard.

Things are hard here. I didn’t realize how hard until I stopped a few nights and thought and talked about it with a friend. At AU things were easy–even when they weren’t–and i didn’t realize it. I was surrounded by people who were constantly pouring into me, I was pouring out; we were learning, growing in more ways than I knew. Here, there is none of that.

No one here is pouring into me, I’m not pouring out; there’s no one challenging me, no pushing. When I’m at work I’m there alone–there aren’t even coworkers. It’s been really hard not leading in any way at all. (There aren’t many hugs either!) It’s a difficult change. I’m learning just how much I need that to thrive, to make it through each day, to fully live. I’m not sure how to “get” it–or if it’s mine to “get”. I just know that I need to live in the Gospel, need to share it, need to hear it, need to be completely immersed in loving people, in relationships, in ministry.

Through the last week I’ve been thinking about a conversation I had with Tricia in the car on the way home from Radius. It was about freedom, about the lack of accountability for the last semester, about how hard it was for me. She told me that maybe the Lord wanted me to have a relationship not dependent on another person, that I needed to just depend on him and live with him and no one else. “They shouldn’t be the ones pushing you toward God, she said, it should be you on your own running toward him.” (That’s all paraphrased I’m sure.) I guess that’s what this summer is about.

I go to a meeting with the staff at the church on Thursday. Pastor Brian invited me and I go. We’re reading a book called Stand Against the Wind by Erwin Raphael McManus. I wasn’t really sure why he invited me. There was talk about helping out with the college ministry but I’m not sure how that’s going to pan out now. There was also some words spoken about helping out with the services. Either way, there’s really nothing happening & i wasn’t sure why I was there. But this book is speaking to me  & after the time we had there last week, I walked out fully content. That time just pierced my soul & filled the spots that were empty. There’s just something about talking about the Word of God with others that can’t be filled any other way.

Anyway, it’s challenging.  And it aligns with the things I was learning at the end of the semester–whether those things were said through harsh truths or frustration or love–they were things that affected me & my relationships negatively and positively. I know that I want to be better, stronger and there to be no question of my character from myself or other people. This book is about exactly that. I’m really excited to part of this time with them, even if that’s the intake of ministry for a summer.

I don’t mean for this to be all negative. (I was just being honest) There are good things happening. It’s great to see my mom and be with my sister. It could be the last time ever! I missed them. (Now, I miss all of you–ironic, eh?) I’m doing a lot of reading, I get good money @ work (hey, I have a job–praise!), I go to the gym. See? Good.

I ask that you pray for me as the Lord reveals his purpose for having me here. Pray for strength because it’s hard. I feel like I’m a ghost–someone stuck in the middle of old and new. It’s really hard. Really. Pray for whatever you feel you need to. Pray for humility because I’m learning that (unlike this post) ministry and purpose for being here is not all about me. That’s hard to admit too.

Love, Dani